Church Norris for Chucktatorship of America

Church Norris has my vote but I don’t know why he need it. He should just go in kick butt and establish a Chucktatorship. Its not like we really have a Republic anymore. It is a elitist Mediaship that needs guidance from a roundhouse.

If I am elected vice president

Last year I enjoyed taking a momentary respite from my rather serious cultural and political commentary to share my tongue-in-cheek campaign promises in the column, “If I am elected president.” Since I didn’t make that political cut, I decided to weigh in on the vice presidency this year. The timing seems particularly apropos, not only because of the ongoing election but on account that the Washington Post is currently running a new Chuck Norris facts contest.

It really doesn’t matter whose presidential ticket I ride on as vice president, since America will be a Chucktatorship when I step into office. If I am elected vice president, I promise to unilaterally fulfill these pledges within my first 30 days in office:

My greatest goal in my first 30 days in office, however, will be to force oil cartels to cut gas prices in half immediately, or they’ll find themselves missing in action in Siberia.

Do I have your vote?